


You (by my side)

by finiarel



Series: Spilled Ink (The Witcher One-Shots) [4]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, TW: Suicide, also i'm putting mature just to be safe considering the topics, also spoilers for books, even though this is one shot the time jumping is kinda real lol, other character makes appearance too but it' not big so i don't feel like tagging them soz, this is why i can't have nice things tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:08:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23189774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finiarel/pseuds/finiarel
Summary: Aphrodite with gold flowers in your hair,I say if only some other fate were mine!Margarita Laux-Antille's life as she spends centuries by Philippa Eilhart side.
Relationships: Philippa Eilhart/Margarita Laux-Antille
Series: Spilled Ink (The Witcher One-Shots) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1802248
Kudos: 16





	You (by my side)

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot contains book spoilers! Also, I am not a native english speaker so some mistakes could be expected.

_Aphrodite with gold flowers in your hair,_

_I say if only some other fate were mine! –_

_Sappho, tr. Willis Barnstone; “To Aphrodite,”_

Margarita Laux Antille was 14 when she first saw Philippa Eilhart. The woman is half a decade older than her. Which made Philippa barely an adult. Yet wherever she walks hum of amazement and approval is always heard. Aretuza has always been too big even for the number of workers and pupils that lives there. Even though Rita has been living in the academy for her entire life, 6 years have gone by since the day Philippa step her foot in the Aretuza when Rita finally see the prodigy. At that time, Philippa has already been associated with many achievements that she had accomplished. No one doubted that someday Philippa would gain her seat in the high council. Some even joke that the reason why the 10th seat has been empty for the last couple of years is that they are waiting for Philippa to finish her study.

She had always imagined Philippa to be somewhat similar to Tissaia. A perfectionist, uptight, and formal. However, what she saw was different. The lace of Philippa’s dress was half undone, one of the sleeves to fall past her shoulder, a leg is extended out, with her knees supporting the other women that Philippa has caged within her arms. Philippa’s dark hair is messily gathered in one side, exposing her lipstick marked neck to Rita’s gaze.

Philippa did not notice her. She was preoccupied with showering butterfly kisses that trails down from a woman’s lips down to the bosom. Rita had met the other woman a couple of times before, albeit has never said anything to her more than polite greetings. Sheala de Tancarville has to be at least a century older than both of them and she also sits in the council chair of the brotherhood. Rumour has it that they’re trying to push her into the chapter.

It shouldn’t be surprising that someone as great as Philippa Eilhart would take a lover as such.

Rita shook her head from the inappropriate thoughts and in an attempt to shut it down she turned back and ran to where she just came from. Her reflection in the mirror presented her beet red cheek, her attempt to erase what she saw from her memory turned to be futile as the next thing she can think of is the way Philippa dark eyes were half-closed and Philippa’s slender fingers moved gently to caress the other woman’s cheek.

Oh, how the young Laux-Antille envy the pleasure that the two shared!

= = = = =

Funny enough, the time they interacted is years later when Rita sneaked out to Tor Lara to set up her illegal megascope. Tor Lara has never been a busy place as most activities of the academy are centred in Aretuza or Loxia where the academy guests are staying. So when she wanted to contact the boy she’s been seeing, Tor Lara naturally became the first place that came to her mind.

She about to activate the crystal when something crashed onto one of the three poles of her megascope. It was a grey owl, the bird trashed around hitting and slipping on the ground. It even bit Rita’s finger when she came closer.

“You know what, little owl. I want to help you. But I can’t do that if you won’t let me.” She felt a bit foolish when she realised that she had spoken to an animal.

The owl screeched and slowly it grew bigger, it’s form stretched into something else. Something… Human.

A young woman. Crouching awkwardly with her head looking up to meet Rita’s eyes.

“Philippa Eilhart.”

“The one and only,” the person smiled proudly and stood up. “And you are the late mistress Ilona’s granddaughter, am I correct?”

“Rita.” She introduced herself

“Nice to finally make your acquaintance, Rita.” Philippa took the fallen megascope pole, observing some parts of that has fallen off. “So, what have we got here?”

“Uh… a… megascope.”

“Obviously, I’m not blind nor a fool." The dark blue eyes rolled. "How come a pupil at your level is in possession of this?”

“No, it’s not stolen. I would never!”

“A sophomore who crafted a megascope.” The smile on Philippa’s red lips is small yet charming. “They definitely could use more people like you.”

“They?”

“The brotherhood.” Philippa shrugged. “Their 10th seat is still empty.”

“Oh no, I could never. That position is not for someone like me.” Rita waved her hands. She wondered why would Philippa even said that Philippa mastered polymorphism, something that only the greatest of mages can master. And Philippa has not yet completed her study. Hearing her implying that Rita could take the seat in the council sounds more like a mockery.

“Why not? Please don’t answer because I am more deserving of that position.” Philippa took Rita’s hand, mouth moved to recite a healing spell to seal off the small cut on her index finger. “This might sound strange coming from someone you’ve never talked with before but I am aware of your talent, Margarita Laux-Antille. I do not doubt that you would be an amazing sorceress someday and when that happens, I’d love to have you by my side.”

Philippa Eilhart is an amazing sorceress, but what makes her powerful is how convincing she could be and Rita took that bait more than what Philippa had offered. What Philippa meant was purely a working collaboration but the words had prompted Rita to dream for more.

Yet all she said back then is, “I’d love that as well.”

= = = = =

As the centuries went by, Rita and Philippa had maintained their friendship. Some days they would talk about nonsense for hours, while on more serious days they would talk about the probability of improving the current state of magic.

Despite her cowardice to confesses her feelings to Philippa. Rita was still confident to pursue others. Maybe because they’re not Philippa. Well, nevertheless, Rita had her share of lovers, at times even more than one at the same time. Some would fall hard for her, which would spark jealousy from others. However, they could never be more than just a casual encounter. A union that would strengthen their bond scares Rita yet their love never feels sufficient.

So in the end, the “I wish someone would love me as much” turned into “what a shame.”

Despite her claim that the reason behind her repetitive failure of romantic relationships is her lack of interest to settle down, Rita is aware that commitment is not her biggest problem. Her problem came in the form of a person. It came in the form of Philippa Eilhart.

Contrary to what others would have done, Philippa had never criticised Rita’s lack of interest in politics. Despite her tight schedule of being the most trusted advisor of King Vizimir in Redania, Philippa had always offered Rita a helping hand, be it when Rita just needs space away from Aretuza or when Rita needs something for her research.

In short- Philippa would be there when Rita needs arises.

Then there’s also the matter of actually talking to Philippa. Philippa might dedicate her life as a royal mage from the time she graduated from Aretuza, yet the woman possesses the knowledge that would match a mage that has dedicated centuries worth of research work. Talking to Philippa were both enlightening and delightful.

“87 seconds.” Yennefer words albeit said in a flat tone had snapped Rita from her daydreaming. The night was celebrated with a banquet to commemorate her new position, with mages from all over the Northern kingdoms coming to congratulate her- the Aretuza rectoress.

“What?”

Despite her unbothered expression, Rita had cringed inside. Losing herself in a foolish train of thought in the middle of a crowd, in an event held for her, is unacceptable. Rita could hear the lecture Tissaia would give if she saw what happened.

“That’s how long have you been staring at that door ever since Philippa Eilhart left the room.”

“I was just lost in thought, that’s all.”

“Darling, we have been friends for more than half a century. You don’t need to act like a blushing bride for me to know that it’s more than that.” Yennefer sipped her apple juice. “I can help you.”

“Yenna, don’t. I don’t need that.” 

Especially not now. Not when everyone is on the brink of war. Albeit Philippa had never shown any intention to drag her into politics, Rita still wary that the second she shows interest the woman would use this to her benefits. It’s not a secret that emotional manipulation is not something that Philippa is unfamiliar with.

She might be just a rectoress, but Aretuza is still a respectable academic institution which would send their graduates with a recommendation to be a service of a king. She knows Philippa could influence her decision the second she let the woman in

Besides she has Lars.

Yennefer thankfully nodded in understanding and let the matter go.

= = = = =

Days have gone quickly when you have all the time in the world. A day come where Lars had become too much for Rita to bear. His affection led him to the talk of marriage. Something that Rita had thought would never come considering Lars already has a wife. Yet the Temerian knight desired to leave the one he’s betrothed to and spend the rest of his life with the sorceress instead.

Just like that, Rita stopped seeing Lars.

It was a couple of months after that when Philippa appeared in her megascope to talk. For the first time, Philippa who had always look confident and powerful threw her gaze around Rita’s surrounding nervously. Only after Rita had promised her that she’s alone and their conversation would be confidential that Philippa finally spoke.

Some of the brotherhood members have sided with Nilfgaard and they would be aiding them to take over the Northern kingdoms. Philippa felt like it’s time for the traitors to be plucked out of their seat of position. Philippa planned to bring the matter up in the upcoming conclave and she needs a voice. People who would back her up when the voting is conducted.

“I know that you wish to stay neutral. However, I hope you understand the necessity. We could not talk about how to ensure the prosperity of the Northern kingdoms if Nilfgaardians spies are everywhere. Our talk would be futile and endanger the kingdoms even more. I’m not asking you to fight for the Northern kingdom, rather I’m asking you to support my petition to drives them out of our brotherhood. To ensure that the intention of brotherhood still aligned, it needs to be reformed. I need your voice, Rita.”

Rita waited for a couple of seconds before nodding her confirmation, “very well, you have mine.”

= = = = =

A few weeks after that, Rita found herself listened attentively Philippa explained her revised plot to overthrow the current brotherhood. Her claim still reflected their past conversation that the mage's association have been too influenced by Nilfgaard to make a coherent decision. Some of the mages gathered in the room of the Montecalvo castle nodded their head in agreement, offering their assistance to the cause.

But Rita said nothing.

When the meeting adjourned, and everyone has dispersed to tend to their matters it was only her and Philippa in the room.

“The plan might have been altered, yet it still for the same cause. What do you think?” Philippa asked just before taking a bite out of one of the leftover hors d'oeuvre.

“I think… Tissaia will not back up your plan. She would be upset even.”

“I will not stop just because one person disagrees with my methods. This is necessary, and I’d like to think you believe that as well.”

“I understand. However, I have decided not to partake in the coup. I hope you can understand that as well.” 

“Are you afraid they will judge you like how they judge your ancestors? You can’t keep living your life running from every single possible clash that exists, Rita. Sooner or later, you’ll need to choose a side. I’ll demand you to choose a side.”

Then there it is. The sentence that would put Philippa in the same category with every other mage that she had ever encountered. The sentence that reminded her that for Philippa she’s only a necessary resource to validate her idea.

However, as much as she admires the woman, backing up Philippa in the conclave voting is one thing but an act of rebellion is another and Rita knows well than to get involved in it.

“And I have chosen yours. You have my word, Philippa Eilhart. But your way of solving this matter doesn’t appeal to me. I will not be partaking nor will I stand to stop you.”

Their gaze met for what felt like an eternity. The dark blue clashes onto her green hues.

“Very well.” Philippa snorted. “In the banquet of the next conclave I will give you a signal, then you shall go to Loxia, where I can ensure your safety.”

“You don’t need to. I will not be coming to the banquet at all.”

Philippa nodded in understanding. Rita doesn’t need to explain her reason. Both of them knows it’s inevitable despite how Philippa has stressed in the meeting that there should be no unnecessary bloodshed. Still, their main objective is to take out all the mages conspiring with Nilfgaard.

With every means necessary.

So Rita stayed in Gors Velen. In a big apartment that she was sharing with Tissaia de Vries. She had the place for herself on the night of the banquet as Tissaia decided to stay in Aretuza for the night. Alone in the luxurious condo, Rita tried not to think about what was happening in the mage gathering and few bottles of fine red wines surely helped to ease her mind from thinking anything at all in particular.

The after-effects of the alcohol in her system made her drowsy when she heard something hitting her closed window. It was a grey owl, the sound was made by beak repeatedly colliding against the glass.

Rita opened the window and the bird smoothly fled inside and morphed into Philippa Eilhart who as usual would be crouching in an awkward position. Philippa stood up right away, her grey men’s riding outfit had some bloodstains on it. Rita assured herself by thinking that it’s not hers.

However, the way Philippa looked at her as if she had done a really big mistake led Rita to come closer and grab the woman’s hand.

“What is it, Philippa? What happened?”

“They found Tissaia. At her chamber in Aretuza…” Philippa took a moment to calm herself down. “Tissaia has decided to leave us.”

Rita's eyes widened. “How?”

“Slits on the wrists.”

“Just like what Yenna did.”

“Just like what Yenna did,” Philippa repeated and took a paper out of her pocket. The handwriting that Rita has known too well branded the paper.

_Let the blood spilled with contempt in this banquet reminds us of the need for compassion and union among the mages. You, along with Philippa Eilhart, Sabrina Glevissig, Yennefer of Vengerberg, and Triss Merigold are my legacy. You who are not afraid to show compassion, I am proud of you as much as I’m proud of them. Be the voice of reason for you have always been one, guide the future of magic for I have failed to do such._

_Farewell, Rita._

Philippa engulfed her in a hug. Her perfume smells like mix cinnamon and muskroot, enough to overwhelm the smell of bird feathers. It’s bold yet comforting. Rita should be angry, she has every right to for Philippa’s action were undeniably one of the reasons for their mentor passing. Yet here she is clinging onto the woman as if she would be able to heal the loss she felt inside. Pathetically crying.

“Say it. Say what you have in mind.”

“Blaming you wouldn’t change what happened.”

“It’s okay not to be kind.” Philippa broke their hug so she could wipe the tears on Rita’s cheek.

“I will never blame you, Philippa. Self-blame would hurt you more than pointed fingers. This is me not being kind to you.”

Philippa stared at her for several seconds. At lost for words. Rita is correct and as much as it gives her a pang of guilt, she knows that Philippa deserves it. Tissaia was not just a mentor for them, she was almost like their mother. She cared for them in her ways. Yet blood and contempt are how Philippa repaid her.

In addition to that, a part of Rita blamed herself. She should have been there or at least she should have notified Tissaia. Rita knows what was about to happen yet she said nothing. Her pretended ignorance resulted in the death of the archmistress.

Philippa exhaled, their gaze met and she regained her composure.

“Tissaia is right that we need a union, this is something I wished I had realised sooner. Because magic shall endure. The king. The realms. They will come and go. But not us. We are different. Which is why my new union will be different. A secret cabal composed of only sorceresses. The lodge will work towards protecting magic and it shall not divide the members based on their nation. It will ensure everyone has the same standing.

I ask of you once more, Margarita Laux-Antille. Please join me in this cause. Your neutrality would be respected and your voice would be heard. I can promise you that.”

And as much as she resented Philippa, Rita understood that the lodge needs to be formed to ensure the path of her students. Rita needs to be by Philippa side despite how much it would pain her to be.

“I’m on your side.”

= = = = =

The lodge was formed without any obstacles. Philippa had ensured that the organisation would have everything it needs to operate. Rita outstanding neutrality convinced them that the cabal is necessary and even though they were still at war the lodge stands even before the means of their kingdoms.

However, being on Philippa’s side didn’t mean that Rita would approve every single decision that Philippa has made and Philippa understood that as well. It didn’t stop Rita from attempting to help Yennefer despite every effort she had done ended up to be futile as Philippa can read her like an open book.

Came the night that always felt hazy in Rita’s mind. Well, it was supposed to be just a casual gathering after the meeting at Montecalvo. The others had left, leaving only her, Philippa, Keira Metz, and Triss Merigold. The last two staying had been a given cause considering that they were living in the castle ever since they were driven out of the royal court of Temeria.

They were drinking, lazily gossips about the current happening in the realm. Like how Fringilla have likely to be fallen for Yennefer’s witcher, much to Triss Merigold dismay. They also talked about how Keira had met another witcher of Kaer Morhen that she had taken a liking to. Then somehow the conversation turned into their late mentor- the archmistress Tissaia de Vries.

“Her death was unnecessary,” Philippa commented.

That night Rita had one glass too many wine and Philippa’s unapologetic flat tone triggered the switch inside her. The next thing that happened was her standing up to approach Philippa and threw her glass of wine across the woman’s body. She didn’t just pour the drink, she had truly thrown the goblets until it slammed Philippa’s shoulder. The red liquid stained the lady owl doublet and white tunic- it probably ruined the rich fabric beyond cleaning.

Triss and Keira gasped and Philippa with her unreadable expression motioned to Rita to follow her. They went to Philippa’s chamber, the woman closing the door behind them before gently spoke something already clear, “-you are upset.”

Rita is normally a civil woman, during centuries of her life, she had only gotten angry at someone less than what her fingers could count. But she remembered the anger that she had felt that night had escalated even more with Philippa’s statement.

“Of course I do! You paraded around acting like you are not affected by anything that happened. But I know you, Philippa. These high and mighty acts were driven because of your guilt upon Tissaia’s death. You were never one to care about the future of mages, you only cared for yourself, even though for years Tissaia has told you that you should. In the end, your lack of empathy became her undoing.” 

“I do care. Even though it took me the death of the person I considered as my mother to realise that. I do care.”

“Then care enough to help Yennefer. Care enough to give the child the childhood that she deserves. Just like the childhood that Tissaia were able to provide for you. The one isn’t filled with a lie.”

“That wouldn’t work with the goal of the lodge. The child would never agree to our plan.”

“I wonder what Triss would say about that.” Rita snorted.

“Triss would understand. She understands what is necessary. She understands that my plan will not always be kind.”

“That’s just worked well for you, isn’t it, Philippa? No matter what you do, she would still idolise you. Her admiration of you would still stronger as each day passed. Not to mention that with the lodge you got to work with your childhood love, slowly making your way back into her arms.”

“Whoever I set my heart onto have got nothing to do with my decision in the lodge. My heart doesn’t drive my decision, but my brain does. That’s the difference between you and me, Rita.”

“It’s nice. Having the lodge coincides with your personal and political agenda. While for me all I’ve ever gotten is an increased level of self-hatred every single time we have come to a decision.”

Philippa exhaled, “if you despise it so much, you can leave. I never asked you to stay.”

All that anger, pent up frustration, and heartache accumulated into a sentence.

“I hate that despite I have spent years believing and trying to convince myself that you are not worth it, I still do desire and care for you. And the worst part of it is that you’ve never desired me.”

Philippa Eilhart said nothing.

And even with her completely remembering every word that she has said that night, Margarita Laux-Antille never tried to breach the subject nor she ever left the lodge.

= = = = =

_For years she waited, hoping that Philippa Eilhart will look at her the way she looks at Triss Merigold and Sheala de Tancarville. But Philippa never did. Then destiny separated their band of sorceresses. Destiny led Margarita to the hand of the witch hunters. Chained and abused._

_And the taste of blood in her mouth is not as bitter as the taste of regret that she has never tried to do anything more than just being present._

_Ironic because once she has told a child of destiny to always take action._

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written any stories in a while and this was sort of just something to get back at writing. I hope you like it!


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